What am I now?
by edward6234
Summary: Bella has had a very confusing time when it came to her relationships in life.


What am I now?  
What am I now? To you, to me? Is there a word for what I am? A friend, a lover, a tool, a toy?  
You say you care but how can I tell when you act that way? I'd do anything for you but if I was gone, would you even notice?  
The only one to ever really make me cry, the only one to really make me smile.  
The way we act, the way we are; what does that make us now? Who am I to you and what are you to me? Is there a word; can you give this a name? what am I now?  
Tell me what I am?  
Give me a word.  
Explain it to me.  
I can handle whatever this is as long as I have something to call what I am?  
Explain it to me.  
Give me a word.  
Tell me what I am?  
Who am I to you and what are you to me? Is there a word; can you give this a name? what am I now?  
The way we act, the way we are; what does that make us now?  
The only one to ever really make me cry, the only one to really make me smile.  
You say you care but how can I tell when you act that way? I'd do anything for you but if I was gone, would you even notice?  
What am I now? To you, to me? Is there a word for what I am? A friend, a lover, a tool, a toy?  
What am I now?

**What are you to me?**

A/N: (Back ground information) Edward and Bella start off as just friends in school, they try dating each other for a while but slip up after 3 years. They didn't speak for a year or so but they are back to being friends in high school.

Edward ends up dating a few other girls: Tanya, Jessica off and on, and has a crush on Angelia.

Bella dates one other guy: Jacob.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight or from anyone other then myself.

Summery: Bella has had a very confusing time when it came to her relationships in life.

Bella's POV.

How do you go from meeting to becoming friends to dating then breaking up and not speaking back to being friends to dating again only to break up but still doing and acting like you're still dating? _Does this make any sense to anyone else or am I just crazy_? You see, Edward and I met in our early years of school and because he wasn't a total jerk like most boys, we became friends. It wasn't too long after that that he asked me out during one of our school field trips. It was a really great trip and I really did like Edward so I said yes. It was weird because he was a football play and I was, … well I had a lot of enemies in that school so I wasn't very popular. It seemed like everyone in school was making a big deal out of us being a couple. I swear I had everyone single person in that school come up to me and ask if I was really dating him or not. That lasted for like a year after we were dating, but it was only a little annoying and I really liked him so it didn't matter.

After about three years we were finally in high school and still going strong, or at least that's what I thought. Edward was still a football player in high school but I didn't go to many of the games. At one of the first games I did go to, Edward pulled me aside and told me that we needed to talk. He looked really upset so I was instantly worried but I had no idea what was wrong yet. Then he completely shocked me by saying that I should break up with HIM! I couldn't believe what I was hearing, I was shocked. He continued on by calling himself a bad boyfriend that saying that I deserved someone better. My head had been spinning and at the time I couldn't grasp what he was saying. I started getting angry because he was telling _me _to break up with _**him **_because he thought _**I**_ was unhappy. I'm not really sure what happened but I know that I told him I wasn't going to break up with him and that if he was unhappy then he should break up with me. He did and then walked off looking really sad. … But at the time all I could think about was that he had no right to tell me that I was unhappy.

Of course, it wasn't long after that until my other really great friend, Jacob found out about the break up. I'd know Jake since middle school and we were very close as well. He had become even closer since Edward broke up with me and literally stopped talking to me. He even went as far as to avoid walking in the same halls as me, I couldn't understand it. But Jake was there for me and one day, like a month after my break up, Jacob asked me out and I didn't know what to say. I mean, I really did like Jake but at the same time I didn't want to loose him the way I lost Edward. I ended up saying yes because I told what happened with Edward and he seemed to understand and was will not to do that to me. We went to Winter formal together that year and I had a really nice time, even though I hate dances and stuff. Edward ended up going to the dance with Jessica and she was glaring at me the whole time. Edward never noticed had rude she was to me and he seemed to be having a great time so I wasn't about to point it out for him. Edward and Jessica didn't last very long after the dance but Jake and I stayed together for a while. Almost three years and we were still happy together, he liked to say sorry a lot for things that weren't necessary for but that was just Jake. It was our Junior year in high school and I was getting super stressed out by life and every thing. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it all and of course, Jacob was blaming himself for everything. It seemed like I couldn't go over and see him without hearing 'I'm sorry' about twenty times, no matter how many times I told him it wasn't his fault. I became just too stressed out and it was causing him too much pain to be with me and even though I feared loosing him; I had to break up with him. I talked things out with him and explained everything as best I could but I didn't leave until he had calmed down enough and I was sure he was ok. I had planned to not tell anyone about the break up until I was sure he was ok with it because I didn't want him to have to deal with everyone knowing on top of everything else. I also prepared myself for the next day in school, I was so sure that he would be avoiding me just like Edward did. But when I was sitting alone in the cafeteria waiting for the Leaf lady to need me, (I was her Aid) Jake was walking pasted to deliver a note to a teacher on the other side of the school. He would usually stop by and talk to me for a minute on his way but I didn't expect that to happen this time so I buried my face in my book until I was sure he passed me. I heard the chair on the other side of the table move and looked up to see him sit down, Jake wasn't smiling yet but when he looked up and asked if I wanted to hang out next week, I smiled. I told him only if he wanted me to come over because I didn't want to push him but he started smiling like crazy after that. We did hang out that week and even though we had broke up we were still the same friends that we were before. I was happy that I didn't loose another friend.

The next semester of our junior year started and I found out that I had study hall for the last two classes of the day. Guess who had study hall for his every last class? … As I watched all the kids come and go in between classes, I saw the last class of the day start to walk into the room. Edward walked in with Tanya at his side. She didn't stay very long, just long enough to make it back to her class after talking to him. Tanya had always had a crush on Edward but never really did anything about it, they were just good friends. As I watched Edward finally walk into the room and the other students rushing to find a seat, Edward looked up and saw me. He smiled at first so I thought he must have been looking at someone around me or something, until he came over and sat next to me.

"Hey Bella. Long time no see!" Edward said simply.

Yeah cause you stopped talking to me and avoiding me, I thought with confusion. But instead I said, "Yeah it has been."

"So, …" He started to say something but hesitated. "I heard about your break up with Jacob. I'm really sorry about that, he seemed really nice."

I gave him a little puzzled look. First of all as to how he found out about that, why he even cared in the first place and mostly, as to why he was even sitting here talking to me in the first place? Did he realize he hadn't spoken to me in so long or what?

"Oh, Angelia told me of course." He said after guessing the first reason I was looking at him so strangely.

But of course, Angelia was friends with both of us and she was very broken up about Jake and I. Even though I told her we were still great friends and all she was all over dramatic about it.

"Oh ok." I answered still in shock as to why he was sitting here. "Its ok, I was just too stressed to date. Besides we still talk and hang out almost every day. We stayed friends so its all good."

"Oh, … that's good." Edward said back.

After that the main teacher took order over the class and for the first day allowed us to sit anywhere we wanted but we had to be working on something or talking very quietly. I though Edward would have gone off to sit beside someone, anyone but me so I started reading my book again. He didn't move though and in fact he started another conversation with me, it was a little odd at first because I was unsure as to what he was doing but soon it was just like old times. We talked and laughed quietly and had a really nice time. Before I realized what was going on the end of the day bell rang and students started flying out of the door. Edward walked and talked with me all the way out of the school and that's when he rushed off to go catch his ride home. I was still confused but I wasn't going to not talk to him because of it so I was happy.

Just like that we became friends again. Edward talked with me every chance he saw me and in study hall since the teach put him just in the seat behind me. When we weren't supposed to talk, he passed a note book with a message back and forth with me. It was very nice to have my friend back and not watch him dodge around corners to avoid walking in the same hall way as me. Edward and Jacob didn't talk much though, they weren't friends but they didn't hate each other either. They just didn't talk to each other but that didn't matter to me because now I had both of my friends back. Some time in the following year, Edward and Tanya did end up dating but it didn't last more than like a month. He also ended up back with Jessica a few more times but it never lasted long. Jake ended up dating one of his other friends and that lasted a lot longer but still not even a whole year. I however, remained single and very happy about that. I was ok with being single because I had my friends around me to make me happy. I was happy being me!

Then graduation came and went and I had to move about three towns away from where I had lived my whole life. A lot of my friends moved on with their lives and went off to college and other stuff but a few very close friends stayed in our home town. Jacob, Edward, and Angelia; I talked to all of them a lot. On the phone and computer mostly but when I was in town I'd make plans to see at least one or two of them depending on what I was in town for. Edward would drive out to see me a lot more than the others and whenever he was bored Edward and I would go out to see a movie or something fun. Sometimes he would just come up to hang out at my place with me. It was really great having my best friend back and getting to see him this much was really wonderful. One time he came over and we were all alone in the house, we were watching a movie and he kissed me! Edward kissed me and ok, I saw him planning it in his head and knew he was going to do it before he did but still I was in shock. It was the very first time he had ever kissed me and of course, he apologized for it right after. He even went as far as to blame the voice in his head from when we had first started dating. He said he had always wanted to kiss me but he couldn't bring himself to do it until now and that he was sorry. I'm pretty sure that made me chuckle a little and I kissed him back.

Somehow shortly after that we started dating again. We were much closer this time around and we actually went out on dates that didn't involve a parent chaperon. We were both older now and we new each other better this time so I'm sure that helped. I could read Edward like an open book just as he could do the same with me. Sometimes it was like we knew each other better than we knew ourselves, kind of creepy sometimes but I always liked that part of us. It was nice to know that I always had someone that I could talk to and have them completely understand me. Sometimes, I didn't always feel that way; like when I would be upset about something and even if we were just talking on the computer, he would just know I was upset. I could never fool him they way I could the rest of the world. I was very good at hiding my emotions and feelings from everyone else around me apart from Edward. He just knew. I could do the same with him, even on the computer I knew when something was wrong of if there was something he wasn't fully telling me but also I understood him better than he did. I often pointed out things that he did that caused him problems or things that have upset him about himself that he just couldn't or wouldn't see for himself until I pointed them out to him. Somehow, we ended up falling in love and I was happy to be with him.

Of course, things aren't always what they seem, are they? We hadn't been dating even a year thing time and we started having problems. … Ok well, Edward started having problems. He was always blaming himself for everything that happened and for things that weren't hid fault even. Yeah he had done a few things that would have made any other girl scream and break up with him but the way he handled them and told me about them the very first chance he got made me want to forgive him so easily. It wasn't like he did anything that couldn't have been fixed and he certainly never meant to do anything to hurt me so I instantly forgave him every time. For some reason he couldn't find it in himself to do the same, he was way too hard on himself all the time. It was one of his flaws he had, Edward was over critical of himself. Another flaw he had was that he couldn't just let himself be happy. Once he was starting to get happy with the way his life is going, something inside of him decides he has to do something to destroy that happiness. He was happy being with me again but lately something has been telling him that's not good enough, at first he was saying that it was too creepy that I understood him the way that I do. That he was having a hard time dealing with the fact that someone could be that close to him. When I said I was kind of feeling the same way and that we could learn to deal with that, Edward started having more and more feelings for our friend Angelia. We three were hanging out more and then the two of them started hanging out more and more. They only problem with that was Ben, Angelia's very stubborn and very, very jealous boyfriend. Ben thought that Edward was trying to steal Angelia away from him so he was constantly fighting and starting things with Edward. It was making things very difficult for everyone, Angelia didn't want to loose Edward as a friend but she couldn't loose Ben as a boyfriend. Of course, it took me a while to get Edward to admit it but he was starting to think that he had feelings for Angelia and that it was causing them both problems. Not to mention the problems it was causing between Edward and I. We broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that I could get inside his head the way I could. I was trying to help keep the peace between everyone but it was getting harder and harder to do, Ben wouldn't stop causing trouble. Even though I knew Edward had feelings for Angelia he would never really try and take her away from Ben, he wasn't like that. I also had to be the one to point out just what a bad idea it would be for the two of them to be together in the first place. They both do the same thing when it comes to being in a relationship, they blame themselves for everything and in their minds they find problems that don't exist and freak out about those problems. If they both started dating it would be a total disaster and I would be constantly in the middle of it because they both call me to help them with their problems. All of my friends tend to call me, I'm very good at helping people with whatever is bothering them at the time.

Now, everything is slowly getting back to normal. Edward and Angelia can hang out without something going wrong or being taken the wrong way, so that's great. But what about Edward and I, we aren't dating any more but he still talks to me every day and still comes over to my house to hang out; just like I go over to his and hang out. We still act the same as when we were dating but I thought he made it clear he couldn't date me anymore? He said he needed a break because we were getting too close for comfort and that he was now single on all this websites but we still do the same things we did before we broke up? Ok well not _everything_, but pretty much everything. … If we aren't dating anymore but we still behave in the same way and still do the same things, what does that make us now? Friends with benefits, _or is that only if we were having sex_? … We fool around from time to time but I have completely decided that sex is just not going to happen for me. Sure, it bugs him a little that I have to tell him no all the time but he understands my point and doesn't push the subject too much. But honestly, what does that make _us _now? What does that make ME now? Does this change who I am and how I should look at myself, because I honestly don't know anymore? What am I now?

For a while now I've been trying to figure all of this out. Every time Edward comes over and we do end up fooling around, its really nice. Its even fun so I don't see a problem but after he leaves and I'm left to deal with the real world, I just don't know what to think any more. I always feel like things should be different or at the very least understood. … If I knew what to call this then it wouldn't be such a big deal. What are we now, what am I now? Are you dating or not? Are we just friends with benefits? Are we even friends anymore, I just want to know. I've been looking up things about friends with benefits and some of the stuff makes sense but I'm still not convinced that's a good enough answer.

One of the sites said a bunch of stuff, like; Friends with benefits are basically two people break up over complications of a serious relationship and decide to continue their relationship a step down, but not far enough as to have physical boundaries. A physically involved relationship, where both partners enjoy some comforts of sitting on the fence between serious relationship and simple friendship. Any relationship that can only be categorized as being between Friends and Partners, also referred to as more then friends. Two friends with a very casual dating relationship. The benefits can be really good, long, flirty conversations; make-out sessions with no commitment. Another site gave me a different term to think about, Casual relationship. A **casual relationship**, colloquially known as a **fling**, is a physical and emotional relationship between two people who may have a sexual relationship (a situation colloquially called **friends with benefits** or **fuck buddies** or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a more formal romantic relationship.A casual relationship differs from casual sex, which has little or no emotional element, and from a one-night stand, as the relationship extends beyond a single sexual encounter. To the extent such relationships include casual sexual contact, the relationship is generally focused on fulfilling sexual desires rather than romantic or emotional needs. Both of these things seemed close to what was happening between us but how could I be sure exactly what we were when he wouldn't talk with me? Edward seemed very content on not talking about things until he had no other choice and I hated to be the one that was always telling him that we needed to talk about things.

It used to be that when Edward and I started dating the second time that I knew it wasn't going to last forever, that it had a definite ending as he needs to move away. I understood this, _intellectually _anyway. But there's some question as to whether our intellect can overrule our emotion in every instance and in every situation. But somehow things got so out of control in this short amount of time and because of all that, its no longer clear what's going to happen. I know that we aren't dating anymore and that we still do the same things that we were doing when we were dating so what does that mean for us now? I'm so confused and with everything else going on, its getting really hard talking to people. … Well, how do you explain to friends and family that you're not dating but _hey_, you are still going to seem like you're dating? Its driving me crazy! And will everything else, there has been something else that has really been bothering me. A little while back Edward called me one day, out of no where and when I was talking to him he seemed really upset about something. Of course I asked him what was wrong and what had happened but he right out refused to tell me anything. The following day when he came over it was still bothering me that he wouldn't even tell me anything, he always told me when I asked. Well, I was a little hurt and worried about it but also I had gotten a little pissed off and when he noticed something was wrong with me that night, I tried refusing to tell him anything about it. He of course, had a major fit about it and wouldn't take no for my answer. I ended up having to tell him something to cover up what was really bothering me. I didn't want him to know just how worried I was that he wouldn't tell me what had happened because I knew how bad that would make him feel. Still, it hurt and it did bother me. I still couldn't get him to tell me anything, all I know is that it had something to do with another friend of his, Sam and that he was really upset and disappointed with himself … or maybe he was trying to say that I'd be disappointed in him if I knew. I wasn't sure which and that really didn't tell me all that much so I was still beyond clueless. I just can't believe that he wouldn't tell me what happened after he called me like that, I had been so worried and still am but he doesn't know that and if I had it my way, he never will.

What am I now?  
What am I now? To you, to me? Is there a word for what I am? A friend, a lover, a tool, a toy?  
You say you care but how can I tell when you act that way? I'd do anything for you but if I was gone, would you even notice?  
The only one to ever really make me cry, the only one to really make me smile.  
The way we act, the way we are; what does that make us now? Who am I to you and what are you to me? Is there a word; can you give this a name? what am I now?  
Tell me what I am?  
Give me a word.  
Explain it to me.


End file.
